Again I have to apologize for it being so long since I've blogged. I know I promised to get back to nightly or at least every other nightly posts but as all of us know... life always gets in the way. I'm going to issue a *disclaimer* I guess if that's the right word before I go on with this entry. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or gain sympathy or anything other than I just feel like HONESTY is what I've created this blog for and what it's about. My promise to GOD upon starting this blog was that I would listen to Him, that I would let Him speak through me and most of all that I wouldn't say "all the right happy things all the time or put on a fake "LIFE IS GREAT attitude". I want to be real with you all because you're taking precious time to spend with me on my blog and as we ALL know life is never ALWAYS happy great and PERFECT.
This afternoon as I'm sitting at Jesus feet I am feeling like instead of sitting I should be curled up in a ball like a baby crying and pouring out my heart that's filled with regret, sadness, worry and depression. I feel like my hands should be holding His trying to un-tie a tangled mess that I've put his hands into. I feel like I've tied His hands from being able to bless my life. Now, I know that God is almighty and silly ole' me can't REALLY physically tie His hands together but for the past few weeks I've limited my time for Him. "THINGS" have gotten in the way of my relationship with Him and in that regard I've tied His hands and prevented Him from being able to work in my life, comfort me and bless me. And when He was doing those things... I wasn't paying attention to see Him doing them.
Sitting at his feet I feel hopeless and depressed and almost unworthy to be sitting here. It's such a hard spot to be in when you come to His feet and have A LOT to repent for, A LOT to ask forgiveness for and the feeling that you've walked so far away that if feels it will take FOREVER to get close to Him again.
Sitting at his feet I'm humbled because I've fallen down. If Jesus' feet had feet I'd be sitting at those right now, lol. My husband has been gone for 5 weeks this Friday. I think I even commented in my last post about how hard it's been to be the "mom and dad", the only disciplinarian, and solely responsible for comforting myself instead of having an extra set of shoulders to lean and cry on. So instead of focusing on GOD for those things, I've sat here and hardened my heart and given up. I'm a TOTALLY co-dependant person and as anyone who knows me well would tell you, I've given my husband a lot of my burdens because he's the one who is PHYSICALLY here, touchable, audible, etc... when I should be giving more of my burdens and heavy loads to the ONLY one who can ultimately fix and comfort them... and that's GOD. These past 5 weeks would have been the prime time to begin doing that but instead I've felt sorry for myself and just given up the thought that I'd be comforted, have someone who cares enough to listen and say "I've got your back no matter what and it's going to be okay". When in reality the ONLY person who can really say those words and it be true is my Sweet Jesus. The past 5 weeks have also proven harder than I thought for church. I've given myself the excuse "well I only see my husband 1 day a week (Saturday and 3 hours Sunday) and I want to spend every moment with him and the kids as a family so the 3 hours Sunday being filled at church seemed like something that didn't work b/c in church we aren't talking, doing something, etc... But HOLY MOLEY that's the EXACT and ONLY thing that should matter during the time he's home. THE ONLY thing that really should be a family time event, spending it together in the Lord's house. I feel so ashamed that I chalked that off as "not as important as fixing a nice breakfast Sunday morning and eating as a family followed by the kids and I helping him pack up and any last little thing we can work into the time frame before he leaves".
Today sitting as Jesus' feet it hit me over the head as hard as 16 frying pans.... "That's why my weeks are harder, my comfort levels are almost non-existent, the kids are less loving and more combative towards one another, and my walls around my heart are going higher and higher and harder and harder". I'm not giving GOD His time with me. I'm not giving ME my time with Him. DUH!!! I guess better late than NEVER. It's so hard to come to Jesus' feet feeling so overwhelmed and unworthy isn't it! That feeling of sadness and embarrassment. Wow- it sure has been hard for me the past 2 days. It was almost harder than going to my parents when I'd done something wrong when I was a kid and admitting to it knowing how very disappointed my dad would be with me. I would always wish that he'd just ground me or spank me instead of saying those words "I'm so disappointed in you".
So after I was able to sit for a while and talk with God, listen to him through His Word, and really humble myself enough to stop believing Satan tell me that God is too far away now to care, love or hear me... I actually felt such a peace. That peace that passes ALL understanding.
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I felt that still small voice say "I've got your back and everything is going to be OKAY". (and it didn't come ONLY from my husband... it came from my sweet Jesus)
I really wanted to add this post to encourage all of you to remember that when you don't feel like going to Jesus' feet, when you feel unworthy, when you're scared or just too plain stubborn like I've been.... His feet is the VERY PLACE you NEED to be. He's calling you there, He misses you and He wants that intimacy with you. I've chosen today as a new beginning, being forgiven for my immaturity and mistakes prior to today, to make sure that all my ducks are back in line and all in a row again. I've made the choice to do the hardest thing for me to do and that's to allow myself to FEEL the forgiveness from God and I'm so excited that you guys get a chance to see and walk a few miles in my last week and see my goals for the next 3 weeks until my husband comes home. My goals to
- hold up the fort until he's home again (Because with GOD all things are possible and His strength makes me perfect in all my weakness.. and this is one of them.
- keep the barriers broken down, and just allow God to comfort me.
- Bible study every night with my kids (even though that was Rich's thing when he was here every night and I don't feel very strong in that area doesn't mean I can't do it)
- My personal bible study no matter how late it is or what's going on.
- My blogging b/c that's something that God's blessed me with and asked me to do
- And.. of course CHURCH ON SUNDAY b/c without that, any family time spent while he is home is a waste b/c we aren't giving GOD our BEST, our FIRST, and our LAST!
I hope that this has helped you and encouraged you to NEVER think God's walked away from you. He's still RIGHT in the same place YOU left Him when you walked away. And He's there with OPEN arms and comforting words and will be so happy that His little lost lamb is back again in the fold right where he belongs. I know that my thoughts from Jesus' feet today, bigger and better than any specific and personal experience I had, needed to be as much or more for me as it was for you. God hasn't and will NEVER walk away from ME. He's always RIGHT WHERE I LEFT HIM!!!
Thank you for spending some precious time at Jesus' feet with me this evening. Thank you for all your words of encouragement, prayers and for sticking it out with me. I consider each and everyone of you accountability partners and I know you'll help hold me to my goals and always remind me, just as I hope to remind you, that GOD IS ALWAYS THERE... RIGHT WHERE HE'S ALWAYS BEEN!!!
Much Love In Him,